Sandpaper man, part 1

Announcer:
We now join our hero sandpaper man flying high in the sky over a small town, hoping to see nothing but peace...

Sandpaper man: ahhh, what a great day! the clean air provided by the nuclear energy plants! the noise polution of the traffic! things couldn't be better! i swear i....what!? what is this!? jesus jehova! look down there! a good citizen is lying on the ground, clutching her foot and crying out loud!

Young lady: somebody help me please! i was walking barefoot on my new porch and i got a huge splinter in my toe!

Sandpaper man: hey there little lady, take it easy, take it easy! i'll get that splinter out of your foot for you!

Young lady: oh but how will you possibly do such a thing sandpaper man?? it seems so impossible!

Sandpaper man: why, i have my super-galactic-tweezers! i never leave the skies without them! here ya go young lady!

"pling!"

Young lady: oh thank you sandpaper man! you're my hero!

Sandpaper man: yes...yes, hah hah, i know i am! but my work here isn't finished yet. you've still got a porch with tons of rough edges! this looks like a job for sandpaper man!

Announcer: just then, our hero sandpaper man rolled his body around the helpless young lady's porch, instantly smoothing it out.

Sandpaper man: woah hoh! that was fun! well ma'm, there will be no more splinters for you or anybody ever again!

Young lady: oh thank you sandpaper man! how will i ever repay you!?

Sandpaper man: well, i didn't get a chance to pay my bill for "housewife monthly" yet. and if you pick up the tab, well, we'll call it even!

Young lady: it's a deal! thank you sandpaper man!

Sandpaper man: nooo problem! and if you ever are in trouble again you needn't worry. for in two shakes of a gnat's ass sandpaper man will appear to help you in your time of need!

Announcer: and away flies our hero in search for more crime...