You'll only end up joining

Tonight i'm posed and popping like a peacock.
I'm pressing flesh.
I'm smiling big.
My spinning head sings "stop, just stop."
Cause what used to calm me down just rips my life to ribbons now. so i keep smiling.
I find my window and quick cut out.
These days my hangman's hunger makes my gut kick.
My sleeping mind could map it blind: a flask, a key, a bag, a fifth.
I try to will myself away while shouting habits plead their case.
So when the sun seers through my eyes, a beggar's brain can't compromise.
I splash cold water.
I draw the curtains.
I stay inside.
And i can't say that it's a sickness, more like a stranger i ask in and later realize it was a strangler slipping nooses in my den. but i was lonely, so i asked him, "could you tie that one on me?" it wasn't his fault.
I was eager and i was weak.
so as i inched towards resolution, yeah, i'm not sure which life feels right.
No narrow noose or the wading water will hang in hex or open eyes. i know my brother, he went one way and at the fork i heard him say, "don't you follow.
Don't go making my mistakes." and i realized what he meant: don't kill yourself to raise the dead.
It never works.
You'll only end up joining them.
It never works.
You'll only end up joining them.