(the legend of) miss baltimore crabs

TRACY
Well, I brought my own '45s,' so if you put 'em on, I'll show you my stuff!

LOU ANN
Haven't you already shown us enough?

{The Council Girls snicker.)

VELMA
Oh my god
How times have changed
This girl's either blind
Or completely deranged
Ah, but time seemed to halt
When i was "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Childhood dreams
For me were cracked
When that damn shirley temple
Stole my frickin' act
But the crown's in the vault
From when i won "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Those poor runner-ups
Might still hold some grudges
They padded their 'cups'
But i screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Not a chance!

Cause i hit the stage
Batons ablaze
While belting high 'c's
And preparing souffles!
But that triple somersault
Was how i clinched "Miss Baltimore Crabs"!

VELMA
Proceed...

TAMMY
Are you scared we're on live?

TRACY
No, I'm sure i can cope!

AMBER
Well, this show isn't broadcast
in...

COUNCIL GIRLS
...Cinemascope!

VELMA
I never drank one chocolate malt
No, no desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

SHELLEY
How many sweaters do you own?

TRACY
Well, I'm sure I've got plenty
Let's see, I have three...five?...
Wait, I have twenty!!

VELMA
I would say 'oy gevalt'
If i wasn't "Miss Baltimore Crabs"!

A tycoon i wed
So cuddly and funny
The old fart dropped dead
But left tons of money
So i bought this station

VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS
So all of the nation
Could see

VELMA
Baby amber and me!

AMBER
Do you dance like you dress?

LINK
Amber, there's no need to be cruel!

VELMA
Would you swim in an integrated pool?

(The Council Members gasp.J

TRACY
I sure would. I'm all for
integration, it's The New
Frontier!

VELMA
Not in Baltimore it isn't! And may i be frank?

First impressions can be tough
And when i saw you, i knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it!

And so, my dear, so short and stout
You'll never be "in"

VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS
So we're kicking you out!

VELMA
You can't get past me kid
But it isn't your fault

VELMA & COUNCIL MEMBERS
It's hard to get rid of "Miss Baltimore...

VELMA
...Crabs!"

You may go.

TRACY
Um... thank you?

PENNY
Gee Tracy, that went well!

(Li'l Inez runs on.)

LI'L INEZ
Hello Ma'am, may I please
audition?

VELMA
No, but you can bow and exalt!
'Cause i was "Miss Baltimore...

VELMA & THE COUNCIL MEMBERS
...Crabs"!
Crabs, Crabs!!!