A letter for zach

I still remember the hotel room where I sat, fleeing the hand that gripped you
I gave you words, they were inadequate
Couldn't admit that I abandoned you
My fear grew, ever stronger
My delusion cast about me
A blanket to my conscious mind
My paradise lies in blankets and smoke
Remember when we were all smiles
Blind to reality

I sat with eyes closed for awhile
As if days don't turn to months
Except, I forgot it ends like this
Blue veins, cracked upon a pale surface
Did you smile one last time, as you closed your eyes?
Because, I don't want to close my eyes anymore
I want to be whole again, how the fuck do I get there?
I've lost what it means to be a person
Haven't been reading enough to know the right words, so I keep mine to myself
Just thought I'd take this chance, say I'm sorry
So one more cigarette, one more breath in between

One more drink, one more hit, hopefully take the breath out of me
Counting seconds to minutes as you slip away
You were going to be someone
We all knew that I was supposed to be the one found on a cold tile floor
The vibrance of your being seemed so foreign as you lay there
I still keep the card Scott gave me in my pocket so I never leave your side again
Each day, I find myself asking what would have been if I was there?
Again, I should have never been there in the first place