Iii

Something casual, so sure
Something I have never known before
I don't want to go
(What was I saying the first time around?
What was I thinking?
What was I saying?)
There is a sick grace inherent in healing

It's like peeling off my skin
It's like feeling everything for the first time
Like it's finally sinking in
(What was I saying the first time around?)

Upstairs through the dark and stars and out the other side
Sat a foot apart until the sun would rise
Something so sudden and so good
I never expected that we could
My God, I don't want to know

(What was I feeling the first time around?
What was I trying to do?
What was I trying to prove?)
There is a sick grace inherent in healing
I had finally choked that down
(What was I trying to get you to approve the first time around?
What was I doing the first time around?)

First I was softer, then I was stronger
Now I am frightened, would you look at me now?
How long will I have you? Who am I to speak of permanence?
I'll be fifty in the book of names but goddamn it
I'll be the last on the list
Someday I'll stop begging you of who and how

First I was stronger, then I was softer
Now I am frightened, look at me now
Somehow we managed to make it this far
Seems now everything has changed
I don't want to know

(What was I saying the first time around?
What was I thinking?
What was I doing the first time around?)

It's never what I am
It's only what they were
I don't want to know