Three of spades

I want to take you out. Tonight.
I want to see you in the starlight.
You always look so beautiful to me.
I want to take you by the hand.
I have two hands. But just one heart. To give. To anyone.

One hand must pull in.
One hand must push away.
But I don't want to push anyone.
Anywhere.

How can I make a decision like this.
Three broken hearts under my heel.
How did it come to this.
I don't deserve anyone.
Anyway.

After what I did.
I look into eyes and.
I soar in blue but.
I'm already buried in brown.

I'm losing all control.
And sinking in deeper.
Just trying to find my way.